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The Return of the Bad Guy

Written by Kid Bacardi

          I don't know the details but I was that guy again this weekend. Thursday we decided that this weekends destination was Mardi Gras. I'm not talking about that knock off shit in St. Louis. I 'm talking about the real deal, balls to the wall, rocking out in Nawlins. Danny decided to drive down from Rockford after his 6:00 class and met us at GII at about 1. we had been boozin hard and when the bar closed I guess I rolled home to pass out for a few hours.
          I work up 2 and a half hours late for work and was leaving early so we could get on the road. After 3 and a half hours of work I broke out and meet up with the All Star Crew(Me, Peters, Danny, and Schag) and we got on the road. We didn't get very far before we knew that this was gonna be a great trip. As we crossed the Mississippi into Missouri we saw a car pulled over to the side of the road with a guy bent over next to his car. As we got closer we realized that this ass clown was pinching one off. If that isn't a sign of the greatness ahead I don't know what is. So as we travel on we came to realize that Mississippi is the worst state to ever have to drive through. I would avoid it at all cost. We finally roll into Nawlins at about 11 and are on Bourbon Street by 11:15. The first destination was Thr Tropical Isle to get some Hand Granades, THE MOST POWERFUL DRINK ON BOURBON STREET. The walk down Bourbon to Tropical Isle was a little far for the amount of booze that we had in our systems, so one block in we decided we needed beers for the trip. One Budweiser down and we were at the Tropical Isle. The first Hand Granade went down like water and number two was on its way down when Peters got the ucky face on. He quickley composed himself while me and Danny went to go take a picture of a Vampire(I kid you not). This asshole was dressed like a fuckin vampire no joke and I tried to talk to him but he wasn't droppin the act for nothing. We grabbed one more Granade and started wondering around getting as fucked up as possible. We ended up at the Catz Meow taking shots out of some bitches thong, tities, and Schag even took one out of her ass crack. After that we wondered around for a while longer and I guess I decided that the only girls that I wanted to hit on were ones that had boyfriends of husbands present. Apparently the quote of the night was, "your boyfriend is a tool box". So after Peters and Danny got me out of a fight and Peters called one of the guys 150lbs. of faggot, we headed back to the car at around 4.
          The next morning we wake up at about 10 and head straight back to Bourbon and over to Tropical Isle. I wanted a bloody mary to start the day off right and ended up with a glass full of vodka and a splash of tomato juice. Not exactley what I had in mind, but who am I to refuse a stiff ass drink from a bartender with hugh fake titties. Danny grabbed a vodka and Redbull and we headed over to Royal to check out the sweet street preformers. This magician that whe were watching grabbed Peters phone out of his hands and answered it. He says something along the lines of, "what has little balls and hangs down? and bat" then, "what has big balls and hangs up" and hung up on Schwinn. Headed back down the street and came across some crazy Carrabian Acrobatics. We decided that we had to see this, so we sat down to check it out. These dudes were crazy as hell and the show ended with this dude doing a flip ove 8 people lined up shoulder to shoulder. After that we had to give these dudes some cash. We headed back over to Bourbon to get some grub. Me and Peters wanted seafood and ended up ordering these two hugh platters that we hardly dented. Danny and Schag head over to Popeye's and then met us at the Red Rhino. Danny was watching some girl named Pam's stuff while she went to the bathroom and when she got back we started talking to her. She told me that she would buy me a beer if I went and danced with this old lady dancing with her husband. I said what the fuck and not only was the guy not pissed that I danced with his wife, he thanked me. Since the beers were 3 for 1 I ended up with sweet deal. After sitting there for a while we decided that we wanted to go check out some of the seedy strip clubs and invited Pam to come with us. She was waiting for her friends to get into town so she decided to come. The first place we went to only had two strippers and one was fat. The fat one was on stage right in front of Danny and he asked if he was gonna see some beaver. She got all pissed off and said, "this is a strip club not a whore house." After that we finished our drinks and head to another club. On the way over there we saw a bum just sitting on the sidewalk and he asked us for money so he could get a beer. This is when Peters earned the CDF Humanitarian Award. He did the bum one better than some change towards his beer and just went and bought this guy a beer. We finally get to this other club and the sign says bottemless topless so when were in. We sit through a few shows before we realize that none of these bitches were going bottemless. Danny starts ragin because every time the bitches are spread eagle they are facing away from us. He is talking shit about all these strippers but he keeps going up to the stage to give them money for the "stripper smell". After a while that place got boring and we head back out to the streets. It's early in the day still, but we are all wasted and I'm already starting to be that guy again. We go into this head shop and Danny starts ranting about bongs and I just yell out, "I SMOKE WEED BITCHES." All day we thought that Pam was about 28 or so but she finally tells Danny that she is 42 and has a kid that is 23. Also, she decides to tell him that she is a dominatrix. While he is finding out all this great shit some bitch walks up to me and grabs 1 of the 2 sets of beads that I had and ask me what she had to do to get them. I was pissed and said, "suck my dick bitch." she took it as literally and started to drop to her knees asking me to whip it out. She was fuckin nasty as fuck so I refused her the right to my cock and she walked away all pissed off. Rgiht after that Jesse and Charles call and tell us to meet them at Pat O'brian's. We head over and Danny's crazy ass bitch decides to get a big ass picture taken with us. After the picture she is going on and on about how good Danny looks in the picture. I started hitting on old bitches, and I mean old. Some old lady saw my beads wrapped around my Hand Granade cup and said that is was cool how it hung low out of my way. I said that aint the only thing that hangs low, and she said she might want me to prove it if I see her later. We headed out after that and Danny ended up split up from us with Pam. We tried to call him but his phone was dead so we figured he was gonna go fuck and we would just catch up with him later. Everything got real hazey after that. I was drunk as fuck and did give a fuck about anyone. I was calling girls sluts and tell dudes that they were tools. Me and Schag were outside some bar taking a picture of Peters, Jesse, Charles, and their girlfriends on the balcony. I called some girl a slut and her dad almost beat my ass. I guess he slapped me but I don't remember. All I know is the bouncer wouldn't let me in so I started cussing him out. Luckily Schaged yelled up to Peters and them, they came down and got me out of there before I got my ass beat. We headed over to some other bar were there was kareoke going on. In my drunken state of mind I decided that I needed to sign up to sing Sweet Child of Mine. I was about 10 or 12 down on the list and starting to fall asleep at the table I was sitting at. I guess there were a bunch of half full beers in front of me and i was randomly knocking them over. Some guy that worked there kept coming over and mopping the shit up so I just kept spilling more beer. I knocked one over so hard that the beer flew out all over some biker and I didn't even notice his ass. I guess I was asleep and Peters got two fat bitches to wake me up and I was none too happy. Before I got a chance to sing, I got kicked out. Schag followed me out and sat me on the corner to wait for him while he want to get everyone else. I saw Peters across the street and took off. Schag was looking all over for me and figured that I had gotten arrested or something and then we saw him. We headed to Tropical Isle and I was out of cash. I talked Peters into getting me another Hand Granade that I sure as shit didn't need. as mine was getting poured, I dumped his all over the bar. Three seconds later I domped mine all over myself. We headed to another bar and I once agian got kicked out, this time for no reason. All in all I got booted from 5 bars and really don't remember any of it. Schag and Peters decided it was time to go back to the car and managed to get me into a cab. At about 10 we got droped off over by our car, and 2 seconds later some bitch turned down a street that had a barricade up cuz the fuckin road was closed. Peters started moving the shit out of her way and directing her down the street. This cop comes out of nowhere and Peters thought we were fucked, but the cop helped him move the shit. The cop then tells this bitch that it will take her forever to get were she wants to go cuz the cleaning crew was down there. She looked at me and asked me what he said and I told her to just drive down the street. We head to Wendy's for some food and as we were finishing up Danny showed up and yelled, "I'm Back." These was a big cop in there and she said, "oh no you aint." I grabbed his ass and took him outside and he started to tell us about his adventer with Pam. She ended up taking him out to eat and since his phone was dead they had to go to her hotel to get hers. On the way there she started talking to this black dude and asked him where she could get a cab and some crack. He didn't know were a cab was but he said he could get some crack. They finally got a cab and as they were getting in she told this dude where they were going in case he found some crack. When they got back to her hotel it was a seedy ass palce with the numbers spraypainted on the doors. She decided to take a bath and in Danny's original vesion of the story he hopped in with her. After their bath the crack man showed up and they started smoking crack. She tried to get Danny to smoke but he wouldn't. After the crack man left Danny decided to dip. she was gonna drive him back to the car but she couldn't find her phone. He said fuck it and started walking. He had no idea where he was and as he reached into his pocket for his smokes he found her phone. He ended up trading it for directions and finally made it back to Bourbon. He randomly ran into Jesse and called Peters while I was passed out in the cab. So we were all at the car and secided that even though it was only about 10 we had to get out of Nawlins. We some how talked Schag into driving the first leg even though he has no licence. All in all we were only in Nawlins for 23 hours but made every minute worth the trip.

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