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23 Hours By Schag

Written by Kid Bacardi

Gettin Drunk          This was the craziest weekend in a long ass time… and it only lasted 23 hours. We all knew that this weekend was going to be crazy when we crossed the Mississippi River from Illinois to Missouri and found a guy on the side of the road looking at his rear tire. As we got closer we all realized that this fucker was taking a shit on the side of the road. When we got down to Mississippi, Kid Bacardi got behind the wheel and provided us some more entertainment thanks to the dumb ass fucking drivers of that shit hole of a state. I have never seen so much road rage in my life. A few hours later we arrived in Nawlins to begin our expedition. We parked our car in a shitty ass part of town (there is a cop on duty at the Wendys) and we went to Bourbon Street. To further enhance our anxiousness of getting as fucked up as we possibly can, we get cut off by the fucking gay ass parade. Who the fuck goes to New Orleans to watch a parade? Then after 15 minutes of being there we get over to Bourbon St. and made it about a block down when we decided we needed a drink before we got “The Most Powerful Drink in Nawlins .” So we all get a beer on the way to the Tropical Isle to get our hand grenades. We all get there, slam our beers and get our hand grenades. God damn were those good and they went down like water. I was already half way done with mine when I saw Danny running off already. He went to take a picture of a vampire, which did not interest me because of my late start of drinking, and need to catch myself up. So we finish our second drink and I look at Peters and he starts with the icky face. So I start stepping back and watching in anticipation, hoping to see someone besides me to be the first to yak this weekend. He collected himself quickly and we headed down Bourbon St. We got a few blocks down when we decided to turn around because the next block over was filled with balloons and faggot shit, which is nothing we wanted to do with. So after a couple more hand grenades, we end up at this club called the Catz Meow or some shit like that. Well there were some pretty hot waitresses there that enticed quite a few bucks out of Danny’s wallet. These waitresses were crazy too. We were pretty much taking shots out of anywhere on the girl that we wanted to. In fact the last thing I remember from that night was taking a shot out of her ass crack. Then after that I guess we went to another bar where Kyle began his weekend quote, “Your boyfriend is a tool box.” Kyle had wanted nothing to do with any single girls this weekend, just women that had boyfriends or husbands. I guess one guy actually turned around and tried to get in his face but was quickly discouraged when Peters told him he was 150 lbs of faggot. Then, from what I’ve been told we went to another club because the quality of bitches was lack luster at the other bar. So at this new place I guess I was kissing on some chick, but the only evidence of what she looked like has been destroyed. I guess nothing else interesting happened after that, we just got a cab and went back to the car to sleep. We woke up at like 9:30 the next morning and I remember having to piss like a fucking horse. So I went to Wendys to use their pisser while the other guys where getting up. I got back to the car and changed my shirt then we were back to Bourbon St. to get some more booze. I was running low on cash so I didn’t get anything, but Kyle got a stiff ass bloody mary that only had a splash of tomato juice and a drop of Tabasco. Danny got a stoli and red bull that was pretty stiff. The most vivid part of that morning at the Tropical Isle was the waitress with the ginormous fake titties. Kyle tried coaxing her into letting us stay at her place that night so he could Most Powerful Drinkbang her and we would have a comfortable place to sleep, but she said her 4 year old daughter would not like that too much. Then after that we went a couple streets over to Royal St. to watch the street performers. First we saw this one magician that wasn’t anything special, but he did take Peter’s phone that he was talking on and tell the guy Peters was talking to a joke. It was something like “What has little balls and hangs down? A bat… What has big balls and hangs up?” The he proceeded to hang up the phone. Then we went on to the next street performer who was quite cracked out. He called himself “bird man,” and made a bird disappear. It was kind of gay so we went on to the next act. By this time Danny and Kyle are getting a little tipsy and we get to the crazy flying Jamaicans. They were doing all kinds of crazy ass handstands and shit that would amaze a drunk person, but the part that would amaze everyone is when this jacked up guy did a front flip over 8 people standing shoulder to shoulder, without a trampoline. After that we went to get some food and me and Danny didn’t want to spend 20 bucks on a plate of lunch so we headed to Popeyes for some cheap chicken, so we would have more money for booze. So we go back to meet up with Kyle and Peters where just getting their food so we went to the Red Rhino to get boozed up. There, we were at the bar when this girl next Danny asked him to watch her stuff while she went to take a piss. Little did we know what kind of crazy adventures she would lead us on. While she was in the bathroom Kyle and Peters came back from the restaurant and met us at the bar. Peters was trying to get Kyle to cut in with this old broad that was dancing with her husband by the time that girl got back, so she offered him a beer if he did it. Of coarse Kyle can’t pass a free beer so of coarse he went and did it. The funny part about that is the guy actually came up to Kyle after he cut in and shook his hand rather than get all pissed. Then we talked to that chick and found out her name was Pam. So after a little bit we went to the titty bar and invited her along with. So we go to this one bar and it was janky as fuck ! The stripper that was there when we first walk in just took off her shorts and that was it. The second stripper weighed about 170-180 and was dancing around in just a thong. I was giving her dollars just to get her fat ass away from me, and I was drinking faster than usual so we could get the fuck out of there. Then Danny says, “So are we gonna see your beaver or what.” She then replied, “This is a strip club, not a whore house.” I then chugged my beer because I thought we were going to get kicked out for sure, but we didn’t. We did however leave short after because she got off stage and the other stripper got back on. After walking down the street we ran into a hobo with a nasty ass spider bite, who was begging for change to buy a beer. Being the great guy he is, Peters just bought him a beer to aid his cause of getting fucked up. Then we went to the next strip club where Danny kept ranting about how he loves “the stripper smell,” so he went up to the stage on numerous occasions to tip them. Pam joined us at the next strip club as well. So after a couple bucks are thrown around this one stripper with no titties at all rubs her puss and ass all over his face. He came back to our table with the biggest fucking smile on his face. We asked him how it was and he said, “the stripper smell is 10 times stronger down there.” After that we left the strip club and went to Tropical Isle to get another hand grenade, then headed towards Pat O’Brien’s. While waiting there some nasty ass chick came up to Kyle and asked him what she had to do to get one of his two sets of beads. He told he she had to suck his cock, and she immediately told him to whip it out as she was expecting that response. Kyle now realizing how nasty she was refused (trust me, he would have done it), and we finished our drinks and headed to Pat’s. By this point in time we now know that Pam is 42 years old, has a 23 year old kid and she is a dominatrix. So inside she decides to get a picture taken of all of us, and spends 9 bucks on a portrait of us. So after that we end up loosing her and Danny and Danny’s cell phone is dead. So he ends up going back to her shitty ass hotel, but on the way to find a cab, they run in to a crack head and she asked him directions to her hotel. Somewhere along that conversation she asked him where she could get some crack. So Danny thinks nothing is going to happen with that so he goes back to the hotel with her. And I guess this was a shady ass hotel with the numbers on the doors painted on and shit. Crack WhoreI got questioned for being too young. Happily I showed the bouncer my over 21 id and still proceeded to get kicked out. He said I needed a driver’s license, but that got taken because of a dui. So I argue with him and get kicked out anyways and we go outside. We then find out that Jesse and Charles are at the other Tropical Isle a couple blocks down, so we go there. While there, Charles, Jesse, and Peters decide they want a picture on the balcony from the street. So me and Kyle are waiting for them to get up there and the liquor is really setting in on Kyle. He yells out, “SLUTS!!” And some chicks dad turns around and yells that’s my daughter. He comes over and gets in Kyle’s face. They are barking at one another when Kyle starts tapping his face. The guy bitch slaps him, and walks away. Then we take the picture and walk in the bar. While going in, this same guy comes walking out. He tells Kyle he is lucky he is alive. Kyle then flips out and says the same thing back at him with a lot more words. So then the bouncers kick him out. That makes number 2 for the night that we collectively got kicked out of. So we go to this karaoke bar after that and Kyle decides he is going to karaoke Sweet Child of Mine. He has to wait an hour and in that time he passes out on a table full of beer, periodically knocking over a beer. One of the beers spilt all over this big ass biker dude that looked like he was about to beat the hell out of him, but Kyle didn’t even acknowledge him. Then the mop guy finally threw away all the beers on the table so he would stop spilling them. Shortly after he got kicked out before he could do his karaoke, and we went to the last Tropical Isle. In there Kyle begs Peters to get him another hand grenade, and Peters finally caves in and gets him one. Then shortly after that Kyle spilt Peters drink all over the bar, poured some of his drink in Peters to replace what he spilled, then spilled the rest of his drink all over himself. So then the bouncer brings me a menu and tried to get me to order him some food, but when I didn’t he kicked us out. Then we went to the last bar, which I don’t remember the name of, and I really had to piss. Jesse was already in the bathroom, in the stall and I was next in line. His toilet was full of shit… literally. There was a maintenance guy there waiting to clean it up as well. When he got done pissing he put his foot up to flush the toilet, and the maintenance guy was yelling no, no!!! He turned around and smiled at the guy, then flushed the toilet. Let me tell you that was one pissed of dude haha. So I’m pissing in the trough at this point and inching over trying not to get shit all over my shoes. After that I go out and find Kyle and Peters sitting on bar stools in the middle of the floor. So after a few minutes Peters tells Kyle to go dance with some chicks and he does. I turned my back for 2 seconds and this 300 lbs black guy was kicking him out. This point Peters and me were like FUCK. We leave and he is yelling at this guy calling him a fat ass and shit so we decide five bars is enough to get kicked out of in one night. We then get a cab and start to go back to Danny’s car to wait for him there when Peters gets a call from Jesse. It was Danny that somehow in a fucking crazy ass luck ran into him at some other bar. So we tell him to meet us at the car. The cab then dropped us off a couple blocks away from the car because of the gay ass parade, and Peters went and pissed on a car. As we were walking back to the car we saw a car barrel in to a street barricade and jump a curb. So Peters goes and moves the pieces of wood on the street so the car can get by when a cop comes walking up. This cop is laughing at this dumb ass chick and helped Peters move the roadblock. He the tells her that she is going the opposite way she needed to go and if she did go that way she would get caught behind the cleaning crew for another 20 min. He walked away and she asked us what he had just said. Kyle pointed his finger down the road he told her not to go down and said, “go that way.” So we walk another 2 minutes down the road and see a big ass box truck nail a tree. Then we get to Wendys by our car to get some double stacks before bed. This place is so ghetto it is being patrolled by a cop. So we get almost through our meal when Danny comes busting in the door yelling, “I’m back bitches!” The cop then yells, “oh no you aint,” and nearly arrests him. So we head back to the car and I get talked into driving the first leg of the trip. Even though I don’t have a driver’s license. One of the things that convinced me was getting back earlier and that Danny would take over after the tank was empty. So I drove to Jackson, Mississippi (with everyone passed out), and filled the tank. Then Danny would not wake up so we slept in a truck stop. We left about 4 hours later and got back at around 1 or 2. We were only there for 23 hours, but that was the one of the craziest 23 hours of my life!

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