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Memphis and the Drunken Goat

Written by Kid Bacardi

          After the fucked up drive to Memphis, we finally got to the hotel at about 4:00. We checked into our room and discovered that they had happy hour form 5-7. We went up to our room and decided that we were gonna need to go get some beer. John called and told us that he had some beer already so we headed to Drunk Ass GoaT his room to grab a cold one while we decided were to get more from. We decided to just start driving around looking for a liquor store. After driving all the fuck over Memphis, we finally spotted a place. We walked in to this shit hole liquor store that had everything behind bulletproof glass. The lady that was working there told us that they can’t sell beer in a liquor store, but they sell beer at the bar next door. We walked over there and it turned out to be the place where Matt and Ryan had met the “Chili Man” the year before. We found out that the Chili Man was dead. When we asked how he died, the guy we were talking to said, “I don’t know, but Chili drank a lot.” So I guess he drank himself to death. We had a beer there and then asked how much it would cost to buy beer there to take with us. It was gonna cost us $10 per 6 pack. This is obviously bullshit so we asked were a grocery store was and got directions. We ran back into the liquor store and picked up a handle of Vodka and then headed to get beer. After a good 20 minutes we found the grocery store and grabbed a bunch of beer, OJ, and sprite. We got back to the hotel about an hour or more after we had left, and as we were walking in the door our dates called wondering where the fuck we were. We got up to the room and Dylan was in there mixing drinks and we all started boozing. It was 5:30 by then and time for happy hour, but we just kept boozing in my room. We pushed dinner back to 8, hooked up some music, and got to work. We finally got ready to go out at about 7:30 and headed to the trolley. We were waiting for the shit to come by when a crazy ass scooter with a two person carriage on the back rolled up. Stephanie and I jumped in and took off to the restaurant. The driver almost rocked 5 or 6 people on the way to the spot which made the trip even more enjoyable. We were to drunk to care and when we got there we headed inside and straight to boozing. It took everyone else about a half hour to get there so as we waited we just pounded. When everyone else showed up, more booze flowed in. We ordered and ate and I just kept on going. When we finally got the bill I ended up dropping about $100 but everything was too hazy for me to tell you the details. We left the restaurant and headed to the bar next door. They had these ridiculous drinks that consisted of beer, wine, and booze. They filled up a gallon bucket for me and it was fuckin on. As we started downing these bad boys I decided that I needed to piss under the table because the bathroom was too far away. Peters and I walked outside and discovered the coolest thing in the world, a goat that drank booze. We started grabbing every half empty drink that we could find and filled cups up to feed this goat. The goat would take the cup out of your hand and pound it back. We got this fucker wasted and he finally stumbled up into his tower to pass the fuck out for the rest of the night. Stephanie and me decided that we needed to go find a club and hit up a bunch of different places, the details of which will never be known. We ended up back at the bar with the goat and everyone was ready to go. I have no idea how we got back but I know that we were partying hard as fuck in my room when the security showed up. They told me to turn the music down so I complied. Ten minutes later the fuck head came back and told us that we needed to leave. I asked him if he was talking about leaving the room and he told me I had to leave the hotel. I snapped and started cussing him out and telling him that his job was fucking useless. I then told him that I make more money in a day than he makes in a year. After two or three more asshole statements the cops showed up. They told me to go sleep in my car and I went. I was in the car for about twenty minutes or so when Stephanie came out to tell me to come up to Dylan’s room. I head back in and the fuckin security bitch was in the lobby. I cussed him out again and he called the cops again. They tossed me in the back of the squad car and Holla tried to talk them out of arresting me. After an hour and a half of bullshit they finally let me out. To my surprise, Ryan was in the car behind me almost arrested as well. They told Holla to take us to get some coffee so we could sober up so when took that chance to leave. Before we left Ryan figured out that he had lost his phone and one of the cops had the same one that he did. He bet the cop $10 that it was his phone and lost so he paid up. We took off and drove around Memphis for a while. After about an hour we figured that it was safe to go back to the hotel. Holla pulled up next to the door out back and got out. Ryan and I didn’t even drive to a parking spot, we just passed the fuck out. We got woken up at about 9 by some guys that worked there. They told us that we needed to move our car so I parked and we headed up to find everyone else. We found our dates in Dylan’s room, woke them up and took the fuck off. I passed out for most of the rid home, while Ryan drove and dank off our handle of vodka. All in all it was a bad ass time. Note to anyone going to Memphis, the cops don’t like it when you cuss them out and call them useless.

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