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Written by Kid Bacardi

          After a crazy weekend at the Ozarks, I am ready to pick up my next bottle of Absinthe.
Click here and order your own bottle today. The drunk stories are starting to come in, and I am yet to hear anything off Drunk Hicksthe wall. Keep them coming in and win a Free Drunk Fest shirt. On another note, have you ever wanted a shirt that said “Mary was only a virgin if you don’t count anal”? Well now you can get it. Check out that foul shirt and many more here.
          Friday morning we got up and got our shit ready to go to the Ozarks. We got directions but they were really fucked up. We had to drive through Chester, the home of Popeye. After that and many other hick ass towns, we finally got to Missouri and an actual interstate. We started seeing all kinds of signs for fireworks and decided that we needed to stop. Brian bought all sorts of shit and we started telling James that we were gonna launch all the shit at him. We jumped back in the ride and kept on rolling. We ended up back on some bullshit country roads and finally made it to Osage Beach. We couldn’t get a hold of Ryan so I called my boy Jared. He was house sitting some huge house and we headed over there. This place was fucking sweet, so we had a beer and took the tour. I finally got a hold of Ryan and we all headed over to the dorm that he was staying at for the summer. He and his boy Adam had been drinking Captain Mo all night and a bunch of his friends were shaving their heads. Ryan tells us that all these assholes around town were fucking hicks, so they call them Skrazos(Ozarks backwards). We all kept drinking for a while and then headed over to this bar called the Topsider. This place was fuckin’ packed. There were at least 4 floors, inside and out. We headed down to the pool area to meet up with Jared’s friends and grab some drinks. They served fish bowls there that had 8 shots in them so I decided that was the way to roll. James and Simon followed suit and we were soon getting wasted. Jared’s friends showed up and we started walking around the bar. There were so many people that it was hard to just walk around. Simon and I headed upstairs to walk around and grab a beer. Some old bitch wanted to get to the front of the line, so I told her she could take my place as long as she bought both of us a beer too. She hooked it up and we headed outside to find Jared and his friends. The bars there close at 1:15, so we started tracking everyone down to find after hours. We all met at Culvers, but the after hours fell through. Brian, Ryan, Simon, James, and I headed back to Ryan’s dorm and started drinking in the parking lot. Ryan went to pass out and we snaked some douche bag’s pizza. We started blowing off fireworks and just got wrecked. One of Ryan’s other friend came back and started kicking back booze with us. I passed out in the back of Ryan’s truck and everyone else started blowing off fireworks right next to my head. They finally got me up and we headed inside to pass out on the floor.

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