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Straight Jacked


Written by Kid Bacardi

          As I was fuckin around wasting time the other day, I came across a site with some hot ass webcam girls on it. These bitches are on some raw ass shit, so check them out today. Speaking of hotties, check out Adriana, and add her to the spank bank. I just got my “I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS”, this may not sound like my style, but when you see the bitch stripping on the shirt it all comes together. Check out this and other shirts here. Keep on sending us your drunken stories. Although I still feel like an alcoholic, it’s not quite as bad as I thought. Plus if your wow me I’ll send you a free t-shirt. What is there to lose? On another note, I want to remind everyone that summer is almost over so it is time to pull out all the stops. What better way to ease the pain of going to classes again, then by getting fucked in half by a bottle of absinthe ? Granted this is only a temporary escape, but for fuck sake it’s worth it. Right now I’m on a 2 week road trip so when I get back I should have plenty of foul ass shit to write about.
          Brian came back to town on Wednesday and we went straight to the bar. It was fuckin on. We got destroyed for the rest of the week and carried right into the weekend. After I got off work on Friday, Brian and I decided that we needed to go get some beer and play some bags. People started coming over and we were getting down to business. Some bullshit ass band was playing, so we decided to go up to Pinch early to beat the cover and get stamped. After the bouncers came around to check IDs we all decided that we might as well just stay up there and drink for the rest of the night. I started drinking Jack and Coke and was soon turning into “foul ass fuck” Kyle. Some girl that we know showed up with her boyfriend from home and this kid was a piece of fucking work. He looked like he was in Rancid. He was rocking some tight ass jeans that looked painted on and a spike studded vest. Since I was feeling extra nice, I decided that I needed to start ripping him. Jack Son His girlfriend and her friends started bitching at me to “be nice”. So I decided to chill for a little. I ordered another Jack, and the waitress asked me if I wanted it on the rocks. I had intended to order a Jack and Coke, but with this offer on the table, who was I to say no. I told her that if they were dumb enough to bring me Jack on the rocks, then they deserved to see just how fucked I was gonna get. I took the first one down like a champ and then got right back into ripping on Rancid. As I ordered my second, I really started to let lose. From there things went down hill and I don’t really remember much of what went down. I was later informed that I was talking so much shit about this kid (loud and right next to him) that he took off his sweet spiked vest. After that the only details that I remember is walking back to the Creek with James and screaming “Mike Jones” to all the people in the parking lot. I woke up on the couch at 5 in the morning with a spike in my forehead and practically crawled to the sink to fix my dehydration before passing back out in my bed. I woke up again around noon and felt great, so I started waking people up to go to the Spillway. We finally got out there around 2 and by 3 we had killed our first 30. We were about to pack it up when little Brad showed up with more beer. Some girl that I barely know started talking to us and the next thing I knew all of her unattractive friends had joined our mix. We bullshitted with them for a whole, mostly making fun of them, but they weren’t all that bright and didn’t really catch on. Some dudes that they knew wondered over and all of a sudden two of these bitches were chicken fighting. We all stood around, just knowing that titties would be coming out soon enough and as predicted they did briefly. For Simon, these fat tities weren’t enough. He talked my drunk ass into getting on his shoulders. Once I was up there, I was cheered on by everyone to get them titties back out. I the state of mind I was in there was no way that I was gonna back down from this challenge. The dudes that had the girls on their shoulders and Simon all locked arms so my drunk ass wouldn’t fall off, and after taking a few shots to the chest, I landed the double tittie extraction and both bitches had there titties hangin out. As fun as that was I had had enough and dipped off Simon’s shoulders. The second case of beer was on its last leg, so we all finished what we were drinking and rolled out. On the way home we picked up some more beer and headed to the Creek for the usual late afternoon bag session. Some bum walked by so we had to call him over to drink a beer with us. Now this guy was a real champ. He sat with us for about 5 minutes, pounded his beer and was off. I guess he had better bum shit to do than to hang out with us. Well, fuck him. We finally decided that Pinch was in order so we headed over to start drinking Green Dragons. The night quickly got out of hand and was back to myself. At some point in time some girl told me to take off my sunglasses so I felt as though I had to respond. First thing that fired out off my mouth was, “Bitch, you need to invest in bulimia.” She didn’t like that too much, but I thought it was fuck hilarious. I walked around for the next 30 minutes or so sharing the story with everyone I knew loud enough so she could hear me. If that wasn’t enough, I was pointing straight at her while explaining the story. I guess she shouldn’t have fucked with me. After that I really don’t remember much. After the bar I found myself on the rocking at the Creek until about 7 in the morning and then passed the fuck out.


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